“I couldn’t believe that the highway department called my dad a thief. But when I got home, all the signs were there.”Tagged: Puns, Wordplay, Thief
“What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.”Tagged: Alexander the Great, Winnie The Pooh
“Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.”Tagged: Shoes, Surreal
“My roommate told me my clothes look gay. I was, like, don’t be a dick, dude; they just came out of the closet.”Tagged: gay, Closeted, dick, Double Entendre
“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent!”Tagged: Pterodactyl, Pee, Wordplay
“What did the green grape say to the purple grape? OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!”Tagged: Grapes, OMG
“I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible; it’s terrible.”Tagged: Thesaurus, terrible
“I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.”Tagged: Puns
“An atheist, a CrossFitter, and a vegan walk into a bar. I know because they told me.”Tagged: atheism, CrossFit, Vegan
“What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.”Tagged: Thermometers, Gross, oral, Rectal
“How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.”Tagged: Hipsters, Pizza, Aloof, cool, Before It Was Cool
“What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? They’re both red, except for the green one.”Tagged: apples, Anti-Jokes
“A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: ‘Excuse me, how much do you charge?’ The lawyer responds: ‘I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.’ ‘Bloody hell. That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?’ ‘Yes. What’s your third question?’”Tagged: Lawyers, Extortion
“A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, ‘I can’t do this. I need water.’ The man says, ‘I didn’t know dogs could talk.’ The horse says, ‘Me, neither!’”Tagged: Desert, Dogs, Horse, Thirst, Surreal
“Two soldiers are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, ‘BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.’”Tagged: Surreal, Anti-Jokes