Show

Seinfeld

by Larry Charles, Elaine Benes, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tom Cherones, Barbara Stock and 696 others

Seinfeld is an American television sitcom that originally aired on NBC from July 5, 1989, to May 14, 1998. It lasted nine seasons, and is now in syndication. It was created by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, the latter starring as a fictionalized version

(684 total)

Seasons

Season 1 (15)Season 2 (55)Season 3 (101)Season 4 (109)Season 5 (97)Season 6 (82)Season 7 (83)Season 8 (79)Season 9 (59)

Characters

Jerry Seinfeld (476)Larry David (265)Jason Alexander (179)George Costanza (179)Michael Richards (99)Cosmo Kramer (99)Larry Charles (92)Peter Mehlman (91)Elaine Benes (59)Julia Louis-Dreyfus (59)

“Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee…never went 'Ha!'”

— Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Tagged: mothers, Humorless

“You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'”

— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

Tagged: Low-Talkers

“Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, Elaine Benes, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, imdb.com

Tagged: Sex, Friendship, FWB

“Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.”

— Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Tagged: Borrowing, Money, Sex, Friends and Sex

“They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the papayas!”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, imdb.com

Tagged: Supermarkets, Fruit, Paypayas, apples, Oranges

“It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Tagged: Impotence, erectile dysfunction

“You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

Tagged: Harry Houdini, Impotence, erectile dysfunction, Performance Anxiety, Erections

“It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Tagged: orgasm, Frigidity, Sex, Faking Orgasm, Impotence

“The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

Tagged: orgasm, Faking Orgasm

“You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

Tagged: Sex, Female Orgasm, Effort

“The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you righ…”

— Lawrence H. Levy, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

Tagged: orgasm, Female Orgasm, Faking it, Sex

“Let me give you a word of advice. OK? I want you to stay away from me. I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear any more of your stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit, just keep it…”

— Larry David, Tom Pepper, Larry Hankin, imdb.com

Tagged: Threats, Raisins

“Don't talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day. Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea? Do you know where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one. Now, GET OUT!”

— Larry David, Russell Dalrymple, Bob Balaban, imdb.com

Tagged: Threats, Arrogance, Employers, Anger

“How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?”

— Larry David, Tom Pepper, Larry Hankin, imdb.com

Tagged: Threats

“I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you.”

— Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Tagged: Test Results, positive, Negative, Irony

“Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, Ban-Lon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty.”

— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

Tagged: Greenland, Ban-Lon, garbage, Fear, Sarcasm

“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world: ‘I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”

— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

Tagged: Giving Up, Sloppiness, sweatpants, insults, hopeless

“I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?”

— Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Tagged: Death, Death with Dignity, dignity

“God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.”

— Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Tagged: Success, Fate, God

“I love her, Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.”

— Larry David, Cosmo Kramer, Michael Richards, imdb.com

Tagged: Love, Attraction, Disabled