Season 1

“Daniel, you've been a busy little asshole, huh?”

— Mark Levin, Andrew Goldberg, Jennifer Flackett, Nick Kroll, Matthew, Andrew Rannells, imdb.com

“Missy: Oh, uh... don't worry, I won't mons push you this time. Andrew: You can mons push me all you want.”

— Andrew Goldberg, Nick Kroll, Mark Levin, Jennifer Flackett, Andrew Glouberman, John Mulaney, imdb.com

“Andrew: So, life started because a giant alien had sex with the Earth? I don't know. That sounds like Scientology. Maury: Yup, of everyone they got the closest.”

— Duffy Boudreau, Maurice "Maury" Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“I guess I should go to school, even though there's no porn there.”

— Gil Ozeri, Andrew Glouberman, John Mulaney, imdb.com

“Dickarus is flying too close to the sun.”

— Emily Altman, Maurice "Maury" Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“I crave emotional intimacy. Because my parents have a no-touch policy with me. So I don't really feel human contact at all.”

— Gil Ozeri, Jay Bilzerian, Jason Mantzoukas, imdb.com

“You guys realize DNA is a hoax created by gay scientists, right?”

— Gil Ozeri, Jay Bilzerian, Jason Mantzoukas, imdb.com

“My dad says when you take into account maternity leave, you do get equal pay.”

— Jennifer Flackett, Victor Quinaz, Nick Kroll, Jay Bilzerian, Jason Mantzoukas, imdb.com

“She was your friend, then she was your lover, now she's your enemy.”

— Joe Wengert, Jay Bilzerian, Jason Mantzoukas, imdb.com

“My bros and I are developing a shitstorm worth of extreme sports, like 'breakball,' 'golf punch,' and 'peep-kour.'”

— Victor Quinaz, Jess Dweck, Jay Bilzerian, Jason Mantzoukas, imdb.com

“Jay: I 100% fuck my pillow. First, I make a slit. Not too long, careful as to not rip the edges, making what I call 'the husband stitch'. Then, I take two Ziploc bags and I fill them with Amy's Organic Lentil Soup, which I microwave to exactly 98. 6 degrees not enough to burn you, but just enough to…”

— Victor Quinaz, Jess Dweck, Jay Bilzerian, Jason Mantzoukas, imdb.com

“No! Oh, fuck a duck. I'm gonna go? I'm gonna go... fuck a duck.”

— Kelly Galuska, Maurice "Maury" Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“It's not for me but people will like it. It's Starbucks. It's what America wants.”

— Kelly Galuska, Matthew, Andrew Rannells, imdb.com

“Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your T-shirts. You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!”

— Kelly Galuska, Connie the Hormone Monstress , Maya Rudolph, imdb.com

“Ms. Benitez: Oh! Steve! Look at you all dressed up. Coach Steve: Well, it’s a special day! Ms. Benitez: And you’re a special guy. Coach Steve: And I’d kill anyone for you! Ms. Benitez: Well, that’s not necessary… Coach Steve: Oh, that’s a relief, because I’d do it, but it would weigh on me.”

— Kelly Galuska, Coach Steve, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“You could have been lured into an electronics store by a pushy Israeli and forced to buy a camera you don’t want.”

— Peter Knight, Barbara Glouberman , Paula Pell, imdb.com

“Woody Allen was accused of molestation. He says he didn’t do it, but he did marry his stepdaughter. It is both very complicated and very simple.”

— Kelly Galuska, Caleb, Joe Wengert, imdb.com

“Jessi, I loved it. A few small thoughts. You sang great. The breath in here is… it’s terrible.”

— Kelly Galuska, Nick, Nick Kroll, imdb.com

“This place looks like the Holocaust Museum.”

— Jess Dweck, Victor Quinaz, Andrew, John Mulaney, imdb.com

“Good night, you prince of Westchester, you king of the tri-state area.”

— Andrew Goldberg, Nick Kroll, Maurice "Maury" Hormone Monster, Nick Kroll, imdb.com