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1,631 quotes

“The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.”

“I was pro-life. Then I met you.”

“Sorry, I didn’t get that. I don’t speak bullshit.”

“Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.”

“I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.”

“Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super-fascinated.”

“Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.”

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.”

“If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.”

“Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.”

“Good story, but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?”

“Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.”

“Can you die of constipation? I ask because I’m worried about how full of shit you are.”

“Remember that time I said I thought you were cool? I lied.”

“Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?”

“Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?”

“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.”

“I can’t help imagining how much awesomer the world would be if your dad had just pulled out.”

“You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.”

“I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.”