Show

Family Guy

Sick, twisted, politically incorrect and Freakin' Sweet animated series featuring the adventures of the dysfunctional Griffin family. Bumbling Peter and long-suffering Lois have three kids. Stewie (a brilliant but sadistic baby bent on killing his mother

(143 total)

“Chris Griffin: You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Brian: Ouch.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Brian Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Snark, You Don't Have A Soul, No Soul, Dogs

“They better not be expecting us to give money, because I gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.”

— Ricky Blitt, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: God, Donating Money, Faith, Snark

“[in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.”

— Daniel Palladino, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Deep Thoughts, High Thoughts, Death

“I'd like to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.”

— Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, Gene Laufenberg, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Snark, Pissed, You're A Bitch

“Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.”

— Daniel Palladino, Lois Griffin (voice), Alex Borstein, imdb.com

Tagged: life advice, Be Available, Dating and Relationships

“I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her.”

— Danny Smith, Chris Griffin (voice), Seth Green, imdb.com

Tagged: I Hate My Sister, Christmas Spirit, Holiday Spirit, Selfish

“Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date? Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.”

— Allison Adler, Brian Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Snark, Dating Sucks, Dating, Modern Love, Sassy

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!”

— Danny Smith, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Holiday Spirit, Christmas, Snark, Sassy, Shut The Hell Up

“Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher? Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.”

— Danny Smith, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Holiday Spirit, Merry Christmas, Dysfunctional Family

“So you can cook your own damned turkey, wrap your own damned presents - and while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to Hell!”

— Danny Smith, Lois Griffin (voice), Alex Borstein, imdb.com

Tagged: Holiday Spirit, Merry Christmas, annoyed, angry

“Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.”

— Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Inappropriate

“You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something.”

— Seth MacFarlane, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Stupid People, Stupid, Surprised

“I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!”

— Mike Barker, Matt Weitzman, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Hurt Feelings, Need An Apology, Sorry

“Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Peter Griffin: Um... if by 'read' you mean 'imagined a naked lady,' then yes.”

— Mike Henry, Alex Borstein, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Snark, Sassy, Not Paying Attention

“Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression? Lois Griffin: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. Stewie Griffin: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!”

— Chris Sheridan, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Evil Baby, Evil, I Hate You Mom, Evil Plan

“Peter Griffin: Run along Stewie, Daddy had a rough night. Stewie Griffin: Why you tottering fen sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with, excuse me.”

— Chris Sheridan, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: I Hate Dad, Snark, Evil

“Peter Griffin: Come on, Stewie, your mom and I have something for ya. Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess, you've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! Big shock, a Jack pops out. And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a li…”

— Mark Hentemann, Stewie Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Snark, I Hate You Dad, I Hate You Mom, Sassy, Dying Inside

“You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois 'Frank.' Your move, Sherlock.”

— Mike Shipley, Jim Bernstein, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Sex, Awkward Sex, awkward, Funny, Relationhips

“Lois might be worth a million dollars to you but to me she's worthless.”

— Mike Henry, Peter Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Worthless, Marriage, mean

“Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP?”

— Steve Callaghan, Brian Griffin, Seth MacFarlane, imdb.com

Tagged: Snark, shut up, mean, angry