South Park

“Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend! Chef: Damn right, Garrison!”

— Trey Parker, Chef, Isaac Hayes, imdb.com

“Stan: Ah! A snake! Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch. Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake! Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.”

— Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com

“Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night? Stan: The what? Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ. Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!”

— David A. Goodman, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com

“Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus! Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?”

— David A. Goodman, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Priest Maxi, Matt Stone, imdb.com

“Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!”

— Nancy Pimental, Trey Parker, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself! Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long! [Kenny laughs] Cartman: What?”

— Nancy Pimental, Trey Parker, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”

— Nancy Pimental, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!”

— Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Chef, Isaac Hayes, imdb.com

“Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Children, you know I rarely say this but—well—fudge ya. [hangs up, sings] Simultaneous, you and me! Kyle: What did he say? Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves. Cartman: Wow! Kyle: How's that go…”

— Nancy Pimental, Trey Parker, Chef, Isaac Hayes, imdb.com

“Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus] Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her? Kyle: Because, dumbass, monsters don't eat fat, ugly, smelly bitches. Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Kyle: I said 'Larry King won't grant me three wishe…”

— Nancy Pimental, Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com

“Stan: Ready, you guys? Cartman/Kyle: Ready! Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick] Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous! Stan: Cut! Cartman! Cartman: What? Stan: It's supposed to be a f…”

— Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick? Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!”

— David A. Goodman, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Sharon Marsh, April Stewart, imdb.com

“The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.”

— Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“I'm tired of your right-wing authoritative bullshit!”

— Trey Parker, Mackey, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Dr. Schwartz: His father had it, his grandfather had it and...his brother had it. Kyle: [horrified] No. No, it's not possible. Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger. Stan: Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea. Cartman: Yeah, I wa…”

— Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about. Stan: Yeah! Kyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman. Stan: Naturally. Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't want to be i…”

— Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Stan: Boo! Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay. Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay. Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.”

— Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com

“Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have. Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then…”

— David A. Goodman, Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer? Cartman: I clocked you at 40 MPH back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah? Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 MPH. Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir. Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend? Cartman: Sir, step ou…”

— David A. Goodman, Matt Stone, Eric Cartman, Trey Parker, imdb.com

“Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night. Kyle: Oh, no! Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the 'chicken lover.' Mayor's Assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers's prize chicken. She's catatonic. Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or th…”

— David A. Goodman, Trey Parker, Kyle Broflovski, Matt Stone, imdb.com