Last Man Standing

“Mike Baxter: Hey babe. Vanessa Baxter: He-ey. Mike Baxter: What's the matter? Vanessa Baxter: Oh nothing. I'm just... I'm just right on that late afternoon fence where do I have another cup of coffee or just say screw it and pour my first glass of wine. Mike Baxter: Tough one. Vanessa Baxter: Well,…”

— Kevin Hench, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Mandy Baxter: Hey, you guys, check this out. Cogito ergo sum. I think therefor I am. Mike Baxter: René Descartes. Mandy Baxter: She was awesome. We learned about her in Philosophy, today. She was French so I don't really know why she was speaking Italian. Mike Baxter: Uh, money well spent. Mandy Bax…”

— Kevin Hench, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Boyd is learning Spanish at his new school. Blanca: And I will say, with *that* they are doing a very good job. Mike Baxter: Why are they teaching him Spanish in the first grade? Vanessa Baxter: Well, honey, it's a bilingual school. The teacher says everything in English and then say…”

— Kevin Hench, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Eve is opening doors for women. Kristin Baxter: Hmm, just like Hillary Clinton. Mike Baxter: Well, Hillary better knock... make sure Bill's got his pants on.”

— Vince Calandra, Kristin Baxter, Amanda Fuller, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: I don't like the idea of you guys posting stuff on the internet. Eve Baxter: Mom, come on. If Mandy's spreading something viral, you better pray it's on the internet.”

— Kevin Hench, Sarah Jane Cunningham, Suzie V. Freeman, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: Mike, I thought there was supposed to be an article about you in the Denver Business Weekly? Mike Baxter: The guy needed more time. Apparently, five thousand words isn't enough to take in all of this. Vanessa Baxter: Well, that's the price you pay for being so fascinating. Mike Baxte…”

— Vince Calandra, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Kyle Anderson: Ya know, you gotta give it up for Columbus. Discoverin' the New World. Mike Baxter: Well, I'll give him this, he's a good salesman. Kyle Anderson: I think you mean sailo. Mike Baxter: No, I mean salesman. He was an Italian, got the Spanish to pay for three trips to India, which he nev…”

— Vince Calandra, Kyle Anderson, Christoph Sanders, imdb.com

“Mandy Baxter: Wait a sec. Eve's in the paper, Dad's in a magazine. Sorry, did this whole family get a publicist and not tell me? Eve Baxter: You don't need a publicist. Aren't you mentioned in a lot of limericks? Mandy Baxter: Joke's on you. I don't know what a limerick is.”

— Vince Calandra, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: [after almost driving into a sinkhole] Oh, man! You good? It's all good. It's all good. Hold on a second. [puts car in reverse and pushes Boyd back into his seat] Get back in there. Sit back down. [after backing away from the sinkhole] Okay, listen, you sure you're all right? Boyd Baxte…”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“President Richard Nixon once said, 'People react to fear, not love.' Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him.”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Eve Baxter: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together? Mandy Baxter: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend? Eve Baxter: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community? Mandy Baxter: Why can't Courteney Cox jo…”

— Vince Calandra, Eve Baxter, Kaitlyn Dever, imdb.com

“Ed Alzate: With this water purifier they can drink their own pee. Mike Baxter: Or river water, or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Eve Baxter: Stick around. You'll learn something about the world. Mandy Baxter: I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining Mom's body.”

— Vince Calandra, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: Okay, what Supreme Court justice do we want to retire? Boyd Baxter: Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Mike Baxter: Nice! And what are the five justices that we want to stay on forever? Boyd Baxter: Don't tell me, I know this one... Mike Baxter: I gave you a little hint, remember? The star method? S-…”

— Vince Calandra, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“Mike Baxter: Everybody gives these athletes a lot of slack. It doesn't do them any good. I mean 99% of these kids will never play for a pro team, or even the Cleveland Browns. Ed Alzate: Don't knock the Browns, Mike. If it weren't for them, the Bengals fans wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.”

— Sid Youngers, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“I suppose you have never seen Ryan dance before. If you had, then I wouldn't have a nephew.”

— Ed Yeager, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com

“Ed Alzate: So now you're down on your quarterback. Even though he and Mandy have a date tonight. Mike Baxter: How do you know that? Ed Alzate: Mandy and I are Facebook pals. I asked her to be my friend, she said yes. We call it friending. Mike Baxter: You should call it frightening. Ed Alzate: Mandy…”

— Sid Youngers, Mike Baxter, Tim Allen, imdb.com

“That's right, people—Mandy's working the pole. I think we all saw this day coming.”

— Michael Teverbaugh, Eve Baxter, Kaitlyn Dever, imdb.com

“Vanessa Baxter: [on Outdoor Man's Vlog] Come on down to Outdoor Man and get your husband off your back! And off your front. [winks] Mike Baxter: [turning off webcam] Are you crazy? You know our minister watches this? Vanessa Baxter: Oh please, he has eight kids, he knows what I'm talking about.”

— Eben Russell, Vanessa Baxter, Nancy Travis, imdb.com

“Ed Alzate: I could sell rice to an eskimo. Mandy Baxter: Don't you mean sell ice to an eskimo? Ed Alzate: Why would they need ice? It's all around.”

— Ed Yeager, Mandy Baxter, Molly Ephraim, imdb.com